Bring Out Your Dead

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After a two and a half year run with the Boston Red Sox, Mike Napoli has moved on. The Red Sox moved the beleaguered first baseman to one of his old teams, the Texas Rangers. In “Bring Out Your Dead”, Rick Rowand chronicles what the end was like for Napoli on the Red Sox.

FADE IN:

EXT. THE NEW TOILET – DAY

9th inning. The Sox are down 2-1 in the top of the 8th, with a man on 2nd. Seats are emptying. Stadium workers are cleaning the trash in the stands.

The PA system blares out – “Bring out your dead!”

CUT TO:

INT. DUGOUT – DAY

Sox dugout shot of Farrell looking over the bench to see who is available to pinch hit. The camera slowly pans over the faces.

NAPOLI

Put me in, John. I can hit this guy.

FARRELL

No Mike, you’re dead.

WAIVER WIRE GUY

He says he’s not dead.

NAPOLI

I’m not dead. I had two hits just 4 days ago!

FARRELL

Mike trust me, you’re dead. Those were flukes. You’re still hitting under your weight.

NAPOLI

But I’ve hit all those home runs! And 2013! I’m not dead yet!

WAIVER WIRE GUY

I can only take dead people.

“Bring out your dead” booms out through the PA system again.

NAPOLI

Trust me John, I can do this.

FARRELL

Mike, you’re dead. You have been dead all season. And this guy’s a right hander. You’ve been dead against them since last year. I’m sorry. You were a hell of a hitter, but there comes a time in every ball player’s career when it’s over.

WAIVER WIRE GUY

I can’t take him like that. He’s still alive.

NAPOLI

See, I told you I was still alive.

WAIVER WIRE GUY

He says he can still hit.

FARRELL

Can’t you make an exception? He’ll be stone dead in a moment.

WAIVER WIRE GUY

Not while he’s still alive.

FARRELL

OK, fine Mike. Go see if you can still hit.

NAPOLI

Yes!

FARRELL (to WAIVER WIRE GUY)

Can you hang around for a couple of minutes? I promise you he’s dead.

WAIVER WIRE GUY

Well, I’m supposed to be in Texas soon.

FARRELL

This won’t take long.

EXT. THE NEW TOILET HOME PLATE – DAY

The ump calls a strike on the outside edge. Napoli glares at him.

Pitch down the middle and Napoli takes a huge cut and pops it up into the stands.

NAPOLI

See? Still alive!

Napoli flails away at a pitch in the dirt for strike three.

INT. DUGOUT – DAY

FARRELL (to WAIVER WIRE GUY)

Thanks for waiting. See you next week.

WAIVER WIRE GUY

I’ll just follow him to Texas. He’ll be completely dead soon.


*with apologies to Monty Python

Rick Rowand has written about the value of Brock Holt, Boston’s rotationBrock Holt’s cycle and aura, and a series about Bogaerts, Betts and Swihart.

Follow Rick on Twitter @rrowand.

Check out Brandon Magee‘s look at the new home run king, Mike Hessman, and Lisa Carney‘s piece about Pedro Martinez.

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